I told myself I didn't want to experience this excruciating pain any further. So I tried EVERY possible way and means to prevent myself from feeling that way again. I am selfish, I want to protect my heart. So I hardened it. I even went to the extend of trying to turn this affection to hate. I had so many crazy ideas in my mind to distract me away. It was working so well, so fine..
Call me childish, call me foolish, call me a sucker for love. I know I am weak, but I didn't know I was THIS fragile. I really can't emphasize the immensity of how fucking much I hate to feel this hell. I am so tired of breaking down. On the train, in school, in my room alone, while walking back home. Everytime something reminds me of you, I just get this growing sour feeling which slowly starts to build up and eventually overpowers me. I tried so hard to control my tears, but it never fails to flow down reluctantly from my tired eyes. And everytime I cry, I hide. And the sucky thing is that, everywhere I go, there will be a trace of us.
Do you know what it is like to feel weak and there is nothing you can do about it? Do you know what it is like to cry silently every single fucking time?
And just when I couldn't feel any worse, life brings me lower to the ground..
I got sick and lost my voice. I couldn't communicate properly to people. I couldn't express how I feel. I couldn't release the misery inside of me. All I can do, is fucking cry again, like a pathetic loser. I know it's not wrong to cry. They tell me to cry all I want and never cry for the same reason again. How I wish it'd turn out just like what they tell me.
Then I almost got molested. It may seem like something trivial but it is not to me. Although it was not the most frightening experience, it was horrible nonetheless. To feel victimized, powerless and voiceless. I could find no help. And it hurts when I know you will not be there to comfort and genuinely care for me.
I contacted you several times. Nothing, was what I got. No replies, no response, nothing. Yet you post stuffs that is clearly talking about me. Do you know how much courage I finally gathered to send you a text? But I manipulated myself. I told myself not to bother and let go. I told myself to move on. I distracted myself successfully..
I didn't realize all I did was to prevent myself from further heartaches, cause I thought I had let go of you. I thought I have turned my heart into stone, when I had only put on a pretense, a facade sub-consciously. Somehow, this torment found it's way back, and I am currently going through it all over again tonight, two folds of agony this time.
I know I have to move on, no matter how hard, how tough it is. I just have to. These shattered glasses are pricking my feet but I must still stand on my feet and walk. It is hard, it truly is. However, without us, I never knew I could actually love someone so much, to the extend I sacrificed Scuba Diving and so much other stuffs for the sake of love. I'm really surprised.
I don't know how long more I can hold on. I feel that nobody understands me. Perhaps because I don't want anyone to see me at my worst, to see how pathetic and miserable I am. Nobody will know how bitter I feel. But all I know is that, I must be strong for myself. And that I can only depend on myself. I depended, expected and trusted in "us" too much, and I will never make that same mistake again.
"Go on and try to tear me down, I will be rising from the ground. Like a skyscraper."
Well, I'm just ranting. And I know to express and release is through writing, singing and drawing. Thus, this post.
P.S : Always remember. There will always be someone out there who cares.
Take care, xx.
